My previous question didn’t get any answers…please check it out, I really am looking for good advice, so if you have a few minutes and would like some “best answer” points (and good karma!) please just read and say your piece!
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AtlIFZUuK92z24LTL1yV3QHty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20110123203242AAV3VQH
I am almost 20, my boyfriend is 20, and we love each other very much. As in, wanting to get married and be together forever. KEY: I am not looking to get out, or leave, or in any way break up with him. We are too much in love, soulmates, best friends…–I want to help him so we can work through this together, earlier than later!
He recently has done some reading and “discovered” (on his own) that he really does fit the “abuser” role as far as romantic relationships go. He read an article about abusive women, realized it sounds exactly like him (and his mother, who pretty much “did” this to him) and shared it with me after a healthy sit-down of talking out our latest frustrations. The six summarized steps are:
1. Assault on Identity. “You are not who you think you are.” This step is comprised of an unrelenting attack on your identity or ego. The assault continues until you become “exhausted, confused and disoriented,” which causes your sense of self, beliefs and values to weaken.
2. Guilt. “You are bad.” Once your identity crisis sets in, you’re then criticized for offenses great, small and imaginary. Inducing a sense of shame doesn’t just make you feel bad; it makes you believe that you are bad.
3. Self-Betrayal. “Agree with me that you are bad.” Once you’re disoriented and feeling a pervasive sense of guilt and shame, she can manipulate you into going against your own best interests.This is the time when an abusive spouse or girlfriend will begin to isolate you and/or get you to turn against your friends and family.
4. Breaking Point. “Who am I, where am I and what am I supposed to do?” You no longer know who you are. You believe she loves you and that you must be a colossal jerk for her to always be so upset.
5. Leniency. “I can help you.” Because your perception has been so warped, the tiniest act of kindness or absence of overt hostility and/or icy withdrawal fosters gratitude, relief and a sense of adoration within you.
6. Compulsion to Confess. “You can help yourself.” You’re so grateful for the small kindnesses she bestows in between periods of covert and overt abuse that you agree with her criticisms and devaluations.
Just swap gender roles because he’s my boyfriend and I’m the girl. The thing is, he’s not like this all the time. It’s also pretty subtle, but nevertheless, sometimes his behavior is EXACTLY that process above. I can identify with each of those steps.
But now he’s had this realization that he is this way, both with me and his best guy friend (who has pretty-low self-esteem too). He feels horrible, like the Phantom of the Opera, and he’s scared that he will hurt me, and he doesn’t want to. He almost wants to remove himself from my life so he won’t hurt me, because he loves me too much and doesn’t realize when he acts this way. But I am going to stick it out with him anyway, if no one else will. He’s a good person, with a beautiful heart deep down. His childhood wasn’t great–he grew up with a mother exactly like described above, except she would also be physically abusive with him. He lives with his dad now and is under general stress (work, bills, money, his weight, his teen brother, his mom…etc) and he supports me with all my own stresses (problematic home life) and I try to be his cushion too.
Will someone, anyone, give US some advice? I don’t believe he’s a lost case. And he would never, ever physically hurt me. I know that. We’re both young, with our lives ahead of us. I don’t think “leaving” is the answer. I really need someone’s insight. Please. I check this frequently and will ultimately choose a best answer, if it’s any incentive.
Please, please, please. This is very important to me.
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